Life’s funny, you grow up doing well in school and then you graduate just to be rejected by everyone. You think that if you do well, you will get an amazing and well-paying job that you’ll love and work on it for your entire life. Maybe it’s not for you, but that’s what I was taught to think since I was a kid. Was education just a lie after all? Does it not matter to employers at all? Maybe the educational system needs a dramatic change? Do employers just straight up don’t care? Now, 23, a year since I graduated from college, with no career, no real working experience based on my major, I feel like everything I did in school was all pointless and a complete waste of time. Just a nobody with a useless Bachelor’s degree...

Life after Graduation

(June- Dec 2023)

Many people see graduation as a celebration time of life, a major milestone, freedom, all that. Well, I see it as nothing more than a step into the void of suffering, rejections, challenges, hardships, failures, and ultimately depression.

After graduating from college, I set out to find a sustainable job in tech as that was my major, with no career path and no luck in any of my applications, I stumbled upon UX Design and a certificate program taught by Google. With my background in tech and art/ design, I thought this career would be perfect for me. So, I took the program and completed in 3 months. Now confident, with all my case studies intact, built a strong looking portfolio, stacked resume, hoping to find some kind of entry role or internship in UX Design, I set out on job platforms and applied to every role I deemed fit, even unpaid ones… months went by and nothing...

I did went for an in-person interview for an unpaid UI Design internship role, weeks later I got an email stating I was rejected… “We are impressed by your background. We have moved forward with another candidate who was a better fit for us.” The same usual automated message type bullshit… goes to show you that companies give zero shit for their candidates.

I guess the main reason I think I was rejected was because I had no “real” UI UX working experience, which doesn’t make any sense since its an UNPAID INTERNSHIP role, not some senior vice president of design (50 years of experience) role. Also, the funny thing is my interviewers aren’t even designers… like wow. All they did was just nodding their heads trying to look like they understand what I’m talking about, agreeing with everything I said, an act that fools you into thinking you will get hired but hiding a rejection deep within. Honestly, if my interviewers think I'm unqualified, I would very much prefer them to reject me on the spot, instead of me hoping for a "Congratulations!" email that would never occur.

Expect for the worst, hope for nothing…

The Shift

(January 2024- now)

At this point I was thinking applying to more UX jobs was just another waste of time, so I decided to make a change in my (nonexistent) career into web design and development, with a strong desire in helping small businesses increase their digital presence… basically, freelancing. So, I taught myself how to design and develop a revenue generating/ attractive website, as well as redesigning my entire portfolio website. With my UXUI, tech, and creative arts background, I was able to learn how to make websites pretty quickly and understanding even the most advanced workarounds. After that, I reached out to businesses in my local area by emailing them if they needed a website and of course, no response. I was thinking of cold calling or even just walk into the store and meet up with the owner face to face to see if they needed a new website, but my introverted self is holding me back… but eventually I will have to grow some balls and just DO IT! Even in the face of rejection.

I also just realized that I have zero marketing or sales experience skills, so it was very awkward for me to talk about my services, pricing, and all that, but I do have the passion to help and provide some kind of value. I also posted my services on Instagram, Facebook, Fiverr, LinkedIn and Contra hoping someone would take a chance on me. In the meantime, I have also been applying to web design agencies with again, no email or call backs. 

I’m really at a lost point in my life here, have the skills, can’t get clients, afraid of speaking awkwardly over the phone and in person about what I do, and no response from web design agencies. I have been working alone since out of college, I wanted to join some kind of agency or company with other designers/ developers so that this journey wouldn't be so lonely. It feels like I'm living in solitary confinement, a repeated cycle of finding a passion, learning it, wanting to make a living out of it, just to be rejected. Makes me question, what is all this for? Everything I do is pointless, nothing matters anymore…

My Teaching Background

During my 4 years in college till now when I’m writing this, I did have a part time job, being an after school teacher for a nonprofit program as well as in summer camps. Hanging out and teaching kids was pretty rewarding, it was also the main thing that was keeping me sane from all the rejections. I had many students saying I was the best and funniest teacher ever.

I do like teaching, however my major isn’t education so I couldn’t really be a full time licensed teacher. And, being a teacher isn’t really sustainable, which is why I pursued a degree in tech. I do love tech too. I’m hoping to become a tech instructor one day as well, combining my teaching experience and tech knowledge into one.

I love spreading knowledge and have always offered a helping hand for anyone in need, it is the only thing that makes me think that I’m somewhat useful to others, that my existence means something. The main reason why I got into teaching… is to help, and just, not be by myself all the time. I don’t want to just incase all of my knowledge and skills to myself, I want to share it, it is more fulfilling that way… even if no one wants to listen or care.

I'm glad I was given the opportunity to share with teaching with this part time job, if not, I couldn't imagine how I could cope with the rejections and just depression in general… throughout and out of college….

The Thing with Resumes

I fucking hate resumes, excuse my language, but they are just words on paper that only shows a tiny fragment of the candidate's potential. People are more than resumes, in fact I would say my resume only encompasses 5% of what I can actually do, my capabilities, and my unseen potential. But, to recruiters, the resume is all they care about, to thinking that candidates are just words on paper. 

Me, and I’m sure many other individuals demonstrates their best skill when at work, not some lunatic that likes to praise itself by slapping some words on a piece of paper. Worst yet, some companies uses AI to filter out resumes by searching for keywords and shit, and if the AI didn’t like what they scanned it is an auto reject, how the fuck is that even legal? I have also seen a lot of candidates where they lie in their resumes, just to score an interview. I would very much prefer to be truthful and rejected than lying.

Few weeks ago, I was told by my Director that I needed to renew by paperwork for the part time teaching job that I was currently in. She said I needed references from people that could vouch for me, I’m like “I don’t have any references.” She’s like, “Why not?”. After that I didn’t say anything because it was just a difficult question for me to answer on the spot. But in reality, I’m an individual that gives favors, not ask for them. I work alone, and have always been working alone, so asking for someone to do something for me just felt odd. I rather prefer just me demonstrating my skill and expertise than having someone praise about me for it. This goes the same with resumes. Words can be spoken easily, but doing the job, making the change, that’s who I am, not words on paper…

It saddens me how many great candidates were forgotten and lost just because of relying on their resume.

The Thing with Job Interviews

I have been in 4 interviews since graduating, and none of them really gave me the opportunity to put my skills to the test.

Questions like “tell me about yourself”, “greatest achievements”, “successes”. I’m just so over it. How about questions like:

• How would you approach this particular problem? 

• Identify some problems based on this solution/ design.

• How would this design solve a particular pain point the user might have?

• Why would this screen be a better fit?

• How could this layout be improved?

• How would you begin a design sprint?

• How would you adapt to an Ai driven economy?

• How do you stay on top of current design trends and apply them in your work?

• How would you resolve a design conflict between teammates. 

• Would this be an ethical design choice?

• How would you consider accessibility into this design?

Like you know, questions that actually make me think critically, allowing me demonstrate my insights and knowledge on the subject, things that actually happen ON THE JOB.

It would be so much fun having a conversation with the interviewer about topics discussed on the job like design decisions, resolving conflicts (which is inevitable), being a team player, designing/ prototyping, basically anything that goes on in a design meeting and team collaboration. Might as well throw in a design exercise for me to do, and the interviewer can watch my approach and have me explain along the way. THAT… is what I want and should be in interviews, not tell me about yourself questions. These types of questions can be answered naturally when I do the work, when I approach that problem, when I get to talk to you, when I begin a conversation with you, why should I have to explicitly “tell me about myself”. I SHOW IT, I DON’T SAY IT.

Imagine you are paired up with someone to do a team project together for the class. Would you go up to that person and be like, "Um, so tell me about yourself please." NO! That's weird. I mean sure we would exchange names, contact info, and all that, but not go all in and try to "sell" ourselves. But, instead we would discuss about project roles, timeline, and solution. We work together, that work "sells" itself.

Honestly, if it takes me to work for free (volunteer) for a few months just to demonstrate what I can do, what I can bring to the table, and the value I provide to the company, then so be it.

Side note: Maybe next time after my interviewer asked me "Tell me about yourself", I'll be like… "Tell me about YOURSELF and why did you joined this company?" :) Wonder how that kind of interview would go.

Family / Friends

Most people I know have loving families, but to me, it's all just pressure. My parents will never know the pain I'm enduring, even if I try to explain, they'll be like "Stop being lazy, get a job." even though I'm trying everyday to get one. Sometimes I would even say to others that I don't have a family at all, because that's how distant I feel towards them.

I understand they immigrated here to America to give me a better life, but there's no life if I'm always depressed and everyday I am just trying hold on, not getting totally consumed by it.

I have also completely separated myself from all my friend groups, I'm not sure if it's the depression, or just the feeling of isolation. But every time I'm in a group of friends or people, I always feel like I don't belong here, that it's just best for me to be and stay alone, as much as I don't want to…

Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts

Depression is something that is inevitable in today’s fast moving and busy world. No one has the time to pay attention to your feelings, what you think, many people have their own life to worry about. Sometimes, even friends and family have nothing to say. In my family, it is seen as an act of weakness if you talk about your feelings. It is an invisible virus that is slowly killing us from the inside. Worst yet, even with social media, people feel more isolated, lonely, and depressed than decades ago.

Recently, I went to my clinic to get my annual blood test and the nurse asked me if I was feeling depressed, rejection from family, or the loss of interest in doing anything. I told her “yes, but rarely, like a few times a month.” In reality, I have been feeling this way for days and for almost a year, I’m just trying my best to hold on. No one knows about my depressed state, suicidal thoughts, my parents just wouldn’t understand too. Being in an Asian family, all parents care about is status and money. Feelings are a way of showing vulnerability, which is shameful and often a weakness to the family. My parents would often call me lazy, get a job, when it reality I do love to work, but just can’t get one.

With the many rejections and humiliations, I have begun questioning my existence.

• If no one accepts me, ignores me, left me, then why am I here for? 

• There are millions of people in this world who are better than me, what will it matter if I’m gone?

Honestly, if there was an option to delete myself from existence, I would do it in a heartbeat. I haven’t achieved anything, haven’t provided any value, always rejected, and millions of other people who are way better and qualified than me, I’m only one person, what can I do? Graduated from college, so? Have a UX Certificate from Google, so? So do millions of other people.

Every single day goes by and I’m just here, sitting on my chair with a laptop, typing this thing, hoping somebody would read it, somebody would care, somebody who I could just talk to, about anything… somebody that I could help so I’m not… useless… somebody… who could offer me a chance… to show myself… On most days I just want to disappear, to sleep and never wake up.

I'm starting to lose passion in everything I do, nothing matters anymore, I just want to end it, this pain, this suffering, a living soul with an empty heart. Everyday I wake up, with nothing to be excited about, nothing to look forward to, every single day is the same, a repeated cycle, a path that leads to an endless void…. I'm not sure how long I can hold… on…

Moving on…

Like I said, I am transitioning into this freelance journey with web design… while coping with rejections, depression, and failure. My life will forever be a lonely one. I'm all by myself. The only thing that would provide me some light is my passion with teaching, but every time I go home it's still all the same. I just hope that one day, I can make something that would ease this pain I'm suffering from others. That what I do matters, no matter how small or insignificant it might be.

But first, I would have to grow some balls and just be out there… that's why I'm sharing this personal story of mine with you, strangers on the internet. I never shared this to any of my friends or families, you might be thinking "why strangers?", well I don't really want people who know me to see me in this state… and to bring some sense in others who are feeling the same that you are not alone… even if I feel that way, hopefully you don't.

Also, did I mention I was an in-person type of person? Not a fan of that remote style, just adds to that isolation and loneliness.

Let it all end…

If you made it till here, I just want to say…. thank you, from the bottom of my heart… I honestly expected people to just scroll past it. I want to thank all of you who decided to even care about reading this. To show my appreciation, if there’s any way that I could help, with anything related to design, please do let me know, you can learn more about what I do in my profile or my website: ivanqiu.com. It's not perfect but I do my best. Best wishes to all of y'all!